Tuesday, April 26, 2011

COnfessions.... (warning.. some adult language uesd)

Sorry about a little bit of language, but if your going to say what you are going to say, then sometimes you just have to say it..... I was thinking these thoughts and just had to write them down...

Lately I have been wondering what would happen if I had an eating disorder. I know that I have an over-eating disorder, but I don’t know how to fix it. I have considered starving myself, but I love food so much that I can’t make that stick. I have considered bulimia, but because of my band, I already throw up half of my food and it doesn’t seem to be doing anything. I only seem to gain 1 or 2 pounds, and then loose 1 or 2 pounds. I keep thinking.. I’m going to become obsessed with working out. I’ll start tomorrow. Then when tomorrow gets here, I completely forget about it. I am constantly thinking about food. At night I’m thinking about what I can snack on or what will I have to eat in the morning, or what will I make for dinner the next day. When getting ready for work each day, I think about what I will have during my lunch break to eat. If I know that I don’t have any money or possibly anything to take to eat, I get worried. I know this is not a good behavior to have, but I can’t seem to control it. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to always eat. I have tried so many different things. Hobbies tend to keep me busy so I don’t think about eating. And it works for a little while, but in the long run I don’t stick with it. I feel as though my boyfriend doesn’t want me, because I’m not skinny enough to have comfortable sex with, or because he want’s to have sex in certain positions that I simply can’t do because of my weight. I feel rejected. I feel as though I'm just not good enough. I have been blaming him for my weight gain lately, but even as I am writing this, I realize that, he isn’t the problem. He may be the source of my hurt feelings and my low self esteem, but there has to be something else that is wrong with me, to make me think the way that I do. I have tried inner soul searching, I have prayed. Prayer makes me feel good inside, until the next day then I don’t thing about it and start feeling down again. I need real help. I don’t know where to go, to find help. I blame my financial situation for not finding resources, yet I know that is also just another excuse. If I really wanted to do it I would. Sometimes I think we need to just talk to ourselves and find out what is really wrong. I still don’t know what is wrong with me, but I do know this… I don’t have to wonder what would happen if I had an eating disorder, I have one. I have been letting it control me for too long. I want to take charge and be in control. I hope I can find a way to do it, before I don’t have a chance at all.

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